A Silent Battle
WOW, I never thought I'd see the day, where I would be saying, ‘I am leaving Texas”. I would tell my family and friends, “I am going to retire and spend my last days right here”. Well, it seems God had a different plan in mind, and let's just say he has tossed it up, flipped it and you know the rest.... The last two months, where I should have been celebrating, and letting others celebrate me, I couldn’t due to my own mental thoughts. As a very good friend/sister wrote on twitter “Don’t let your mind, put you in a spot you have to pray out of “, one of the most realist and relevant to how I am feeling these days or was feeling.
One of the hardest questions in life to answer is, “what do you want?”. The last couple of weeks, I have found myself asking that very question, “What does Jade want?”. If this was a year ago, I would have given what appeared to be a confident answer, and you would have thought I was sure fire on the money. The truth is, I knew what I wanted, but not what I needed. I knew the simple things I wanted very standard or at least what was standard for me (serve God, have a family, run my businesses etc.), here is just a few for me. Very generic, I know, but it works for me. Let’s just drag the cat out the bag, your girl was scared, and still is just a little bit. The funny part is I didn’t know what I was scared of, I just knew I was scared and honey down right petrified. Finally, I realized I was scared of my needs not my wants. My wants, I actually have access too, but are they what should have access to me? My wants, are sadly self-sabotaging, self-destructive, and just overall draining of myself with no recharge insight. When I sat down and realized, my wants were minor damn near miniscule to my actual needs, I had to start putting life into perspective.
I posed a question a few articles back, “If God gave you what you wanted, would you be happy?”. I'll just be honest, God gave me what I wanted, and I wasn’t happy. God gave me what I needed, and I was shell shocked, because I didn’t know I needed it. While trying to be in a mental battle and fight with God, he showed me what I needed, but also showed me the sides of myself that had yet submit to him. Exposing has such a nasty tone to it, but sometimes it’s what we need, I needed to see that ugly truth about myself. Because the buck stops here, and it cannot go with me to my new home, cannot go with me across states, cannot go with me in this next chapter. I had let my mind put me into a place that God had to grab my hand before I let myself sink to low. I started to believe; I didn’t deserve the blessings that were pouring over me. I didn’t feel I was worthy, even though God had already told me I was. I allowed my mind to go against what God had shown me too already be true!
The mind can be our greatest asset or our worst enemy if we let it. I let my mind drag me in a whole, that literally God had to come and get me, and it had nothing to do with anybody or the situations around me it was just me. Please don’t let YOU stop YOU from being one of Gods greatest creations. You deserve to live in Gods dream for your life, but don’t let your mind trick you into what's real. What God says about you is greater than anything your mind can dig up or create.