Damn….. Is It Me? The question I sit here and ask myself, as the year comes to a close. I notice a few things have changed, but somethings still remain the same. The things that remain the same from year to year, I have to start asking myself is it me?
Am I, my own worst enemy? Am I, the reason for my own demise? Am I, the reason situations do not pan out like they should? I do not know if, it’s always the others involved, or if it’s my egos need to control all the factors in my life.
As the year comes to a close, it is time to self-reflect ( If you haven’t already ), It is time to ask ourselves those tough questions that we run away from so often. It is time to be transparent with ourselves, you can lie to everyone else, but you can never truly lie to yourself. With that thought in mind, it is time to be transparent with myself, about myself. No more lies, no more façade theories to my lack of success, and no more playing the victim to my own crackpot theories of why I am not where I should be in life.
I have to acknowledge, that first not every situation was completely someone else’s doing. I have to accept I played a part in it. I will say one of my biggest battles this year, to say the least was my “Effective Communication “. I pride myself on being an effective communicator, but I realized this year, I did no such thing. This year in particular, I shut down and shut out a lot this year. The same thing I encourage others to do, became so hard for me to do with others. I found myself being very snappy, and sometimes just flat out overreacting to situations that probably wouldn’t have bothered me before. I wasn’t this great communicator at all, and in that it also showed just how much I lacked understanding as well. Sadly to say even though I understand it now, I didn’t get it earlier, and that led to a lot of misunderstandings, disagreements and in the end some fall outs. I had to accept that, it takes two to tango and everything can’t be on the one person, just because it makes more sense in your head that way.
I also had to acknowledge that everything that I want, doesn’t always want me! Yes, I said it! Everything that I wanted did not, could not, want me. No, I do not just mean a significant other or just surface relationships. I know that’s what it sounds like but not the whole cupcake honey. It doesn’t have to just be a significant other, it could be a job, an opportunity, anything that you felt you wanted, but also felt rejected by as well. I can only speak from personal perspective too… I saw myself desiring and wanting all these things and sadly a good portion of those things were rejecting me, to my dismay at that. The very things I know I loved and admired had started to show me, that maybe they didn’t want me as much I wanted them.
Also Note: I am saying it may not want you, because now you’ve gotten revelation that the things you may have desired most, can no longer serve you in the season you are stepping into, therefore showing you they may no longer want you.
I saw myself wanting and desiring things that in the end had no purpose in my life, and definitely was not part of the plan God had set. When those things begin to reject me, I went into a depression because I couldn’t grasp the concept of why? Why not me, I want this so bad, Why not me?
Let’s just say, God has been dealing with me this year, more so about myself than others. He has been showing me myself, and whether I like it or not, it has to be seen. The only way to change is to know what needs to be changed. All of these revelations showed me one thing about myself that I hate to admit, but it was my need to control the things around me. It was my need to be in control of the narrative (Poor Communication), it was my want to have all these things and do things in my OWN time (rejection sucks ass). It was my ego, that I couldn’t put down, and since I didn’t want to drop my ego at the door, I caused quite a bit of turmoil for me I must say (shoulder shrugs).
I want to encourage you on this Monday, to take some time out and be transparent with yourselves. Take some time out and reflect on all that you have endured this year, and ask yourself what could have done differently? When you take this time, make sure you apply it, don’t just acknowledge and don’t apply (not smart). Have a Happy Monday Folks.